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Online Dating Guide for Teenagers
This guide will prepare you to one of life's most
delightful experiences
Preface
This book is written for young people and the adults who care about
them, as a guide to dating and the relationships between sexes.
When thousands of questions from youth were collected and analyzed
as background for Facts of Life and Love for Teenagers, two of the
most frequently asked questions were: (1) How do you get a date? and
(2) What do you do with a date when you get one?
The Teener’s Guide To Dating attempts to answer them both.
This book, belongs to young people. It has come from them. It is
directed to them. Our task as reporter and interpreter is done if
the book serves not as a set of answers, but as a stimulus to
further questioning; not as a directive, but as a guide. That is the
spirit in which it was written.
Table of Contents:
1. INTRODUCTION
2. ARE YOU READY TO DATE?
3. WHAT ABOUT YOUR DATE’S AGE?
4. THE RIGHT DATE FOR YOU
5. ASKING FOR A DATE
6. ACCEPTING OR REFUSING A DATE
7. DATING - HOW OFTEN? HOW LATE?
8. WHAT TO DO ON A DATE
9. HOW MUCH DO DATES COST?
10. CARS, DATES, AND FAMILIES
11. HOW TO SAY “NO”
12. FALLING IN AND OUT OF LOVE
13. EXPRESSING AFFECTION
14. SEXUAL RELATIONS BEFORE MARRIAGE
15. GOING STEADY
16. GETTING MARRIED
1. Introduction:
Dating is one of the most exciting periods of your life.
Suddenly, there are new horizons before you, friendships flower,
your personality blooms, and your sense of being a desirable person
worthy of affection becomes real. This is a time of great
exhilaration, splendour, and discovery. To live it fully is to enjoy
one of life’s most delightful experiences.
To miss out on dating is a shame and a waste, especially when there
is still time to do something about it. Dating is an art, and like
all arts it must be cultivated to give results. Approach it with
honesty, enthusiasm, energy, and it begins to take form. And soon
you have answers to the questions that were worrying you.
Long before you actually start dating, you dream about it.
Wistfully, you see other fellows and girls out together on dates,
laughing, talking, going places, having a seemingly effortless,
wonderful time. Before you ever get a date, you see yourself as the
gallant hero or the glamorous heroine of a romantic situation. You
imagine all the right words and actions so easily, so vividly, that
you can hardly wait to start dating. Yet, somewhere inside you
anticipate the awkward moments when you will stand tongue-tied and
clumsy before some very special person, finding that dating is
anything but wonderful. And so you swing between eagerness and
anxiety, impatient to try your wings at one moment, and afraid of a
take-off in the next.
When you consider the nature of dating, this emotional see-sawing is
quite understandable. For dating fun is different from the fun a boy
has playing ball with the fellows or the joy a girl knows confiding
in her closest chum. In dating you are involved with persons of the
other sex. You are learning about these other special people. And in
the process you are also discovering a great deal about yourself.
You are on the threshold of a new kind of experience that is
grown-up, romantic, and full of promise for your life ahead as a
full-fledged adult.
Probably you are wondering when you can start participating in this
new exciting experience. For some of you the answer will be easy. If
you belong to a closely knit group that does everything together,
having dates within that circle of familiar friends will come
naturally and simply. But for the majority of young people the
answer is not so easy.
OVERCOMING BASHFULNESS
Shyness with members of the other sex is common among young people.
You are not alone in this problem. Getting over self-consciousness
to the point where you can relax and be friendly with those you most
admire is a challenge. The more thrilled you are with the presence
of the other person, the more likely you are to be embarrassed, it
seems. But with experience you gradually become more comfortable
with the opposite sex. Then, as you develop poise and
self-confidence, you discover and put into practice more and more of
the art of dating. How to develop that poise and confidence is the
question.
Since girls grow up sooner, and are ready for dates before boys of
their age and grade generally are, a particular problem for a
teen-age girl is how to get a bashful boy to notice her. This is why
girls’ clubs so often center around planning boy-girl activities.
Many a shy boy has come out of himself at a well-planned party. With
encouragement he finds that he can carry on a conversation and have
fun in a mixed group.
OFF TO A GOOD START
Soon he, too, is ready for dates, usually first with the girl who
was friendly and approachable while he was getting up his courage to
ask her.
A fellow needs to be reasonably sure a girl wants to go out with him
before he asks her. So it’s a girl’s responsibility to let a boy
know that she is interested in him, without behaving so boldly that
she scares him off.
When Girls Take the Initiative
There is a thin line between being available and being too forward.
The girl who gets a reputation for being a flirt finds that many of
the nicer boys and girls avoid her. Yet, when a girl acts too demure
or feigns coolness or disinterest out of fear, she may chase boys
away and miss out on the fun of friendship and dating. It is
important to remember that boys are also scared and shy, and a smile
or gesture from you can begin a friendship.
Girls frequently ask if it’s all right to telephone the boys they
like. Well—let’s look at it from the boy’s point of view. If Joan
calls Bill about a specific question, or to invite him to some
definite affair, he can respond without necessarily feeling that she
has put him on the spot. If she calls repeatedly, or for no
particular purpose except to chat aimlessly, his family may tease
him and he becomes embarrassed by her “chasing.”
Custom has it that a girl may speak first when meeting a boy on the
street or in the hallway at school. She doesn’t have to wait for the
boy to nod or address her. It’s simple courtesy that she recognizes
him with some friendly greeting or gesture. She does this by making
some pleasant sign that she recognizes the boy, and that she feels
friendly toward him. She may smile or nod, or say “Hello” or “Hi,
Bill!” Perhaps she’ll add some casual remark.
But a girl should not interrupt a boy who is talking to someone or
is with a group of fellows, or is obviously absorbed in something
else. That, too, is simple courtesy. If a boy indicates his
awareness of her by disengaging himself from the group, or shows her
in some other way that he knows she’s there, she greets him.
A girl gets a reputation for being “fast” not because she’s friendly
toward boys but because of the way she behaves when they are around.
The “forward” girl overly emphasizes the fact that she’s a female—by
the way in which she dresses, walks, talks, looks, and laughs. She
goes beyond the bounds of what is considered “nice” in her attention
to the boys. By her seductiveness she encourages boys to be too
fresh, too loud, and too boisterous.
Is it ever all right for a girl to chase a boy? Throughout the ages
women have found ways of being appealing and interesting to the men
they have liked. Nowadays girls are taking more initiative than
ever. The important thing is that a girl not be too obvious, or she
defeats her own purpose. It’s best if she waits for some sign of a
boy’s interest before she embarks on a campaign. And then she must
make it look as though he, rather than she, is the pursuer. In
Grandma’s formula, it’s all right for a girl to “chase a fellow
until he catches her.”
BOY MEETS GIRL
How does a fellow get to meet a girl he likes? is a question many
boys ask. Girls who have to use subtle approaches think a boy has no
real problem in this direction. But what a boy really wants to know
is how to operate so that his advances won’t be rebuffed.
Traditionally, a boy asks a mutual acquaintance to introduce him to
a girl he wants to meet. He takes it from there, usually with an
invitation to a date that will further their acquaintance.
In modern settings it’s not always easy to find a go-between.
Fortunately, today it’s no longer necessary. If a boy and girl
attend the same school or classes, or belong to the same club, that
in itself constitutes an introduction. If Janet goes to a different
school, then Ted can try attending one or more of her school’s
functions in an effort to meet her.
The hardest moment, perhaps, comes when a couple are finally face to
face. If a boy is an outgoing type of person to whom friendly
pleasantries come readily, then it’s easy. He’ll find the right
little compliment to pay a girl, the right opening remarks. But the
shy, inexperienced boy—and he is legion—will find these first
efforts at gallantry very trying. Such a boy ought to plan ahead of
time just what he will say to a girl. Even then he may not follow
through with his plan; tension may erase every rehearsed word from
his mind and he may end up blurting out an abrupt invitation that
startles the girl. But if she is sensitive and interested, she
overlooks his clumsiness and encourages him with her acceptance,
knowing that experience will take the rough edges off her new
friend’s manner.
Meeting a strange girl in a strange place can really give a boy
stage fright. This time he had no chance to rehearse; suddenly he’s
expected to do and say the right things. It’s no wonder that he gets
tongue-tied. (Of course, later on, in long solitary post-mortems, he
can think of the most brilliant, most witty conversation.) That’s
why it’s a good idea for beginning daters to develop a few little
formulas to use when words fail.
A good opener, for instance, would be: “Didn’t I meet you at the
Joneses?” Or a boy might make a comment that linked them to a common
friend or interest. He could also ask a girl where she hails from,
what brought her to this place, how she spells her name, or how long
she has known the person who introduced them. Such simple little
icebreakers that get conversation rolling are worth developing.
All Work and No Play
Many high school and college girls complain that the boys they know
have no time for girls. And it is true that there are serious-minded
boys of all ages who are so absorbed in school work, hobbies, or
plans for the future that they pay little or no attention to girls.
A fellow with his mind on the future, busily weighing the pros and
cons of business versus the professions, considering whether college
or military training should come first, seemingly cannot further
complicate his life with a girl. And before he knows it he has a
reputation as a “woman hater.”
There are young men so absorbed in work or study that they can talk
about nothing else. Girls complain that such a man is a bore—that he
never seems to notice them or their interests, that he’s unwilling
to do anything to cultivate a friendship. This kind of self-absorbed
boy who is essentially nice often misses out on the friendship of a
suitable girl and then falls prey to an unscrupulous one who plays
upon his central interest to make an insincere place for herself in
his life.
Some boys and girls who appear to be devoted to an absorbing
interest actually are afraid of members of the other sex, and use
their interest as an excuse to avoid contact with them. A girl who
doesn’t want to be too obvious in her datelessness may feign
busyness or an intense interest in music or her family, for
instance, to cover up for her lack of boy friends. Similarly, a
boy’s interest in planes, electronics, sports, or what-have-you may,
in reality, be masking his fear of being unable to win and hold a
girl’s attention. Such boys and girls would do well to face up to
the truth, and, with the help of a wise counsellor or good friend,
change their ways to catch up on some wholesome dating fun.
Some young people have intellectual, aesthetic, or spiritual
interests during high school which are just enough out of step with
the majority of their age and grade so that they don’t find their
associates congenial until they get into college or university life.
These are the fellows and girls whose abilities seem to overshadow
their personalities in their early development. They “come out” as
interesting persons as they find themselves, but as teens they are
discouraging both to themselves and to those who care about them.
The important thing to remember is that social development and
maturity cannot be rushed, and that eventually most young people
find their proper social niche.
Not Ready to Date?
It’s a good idea to investigate the reason why a particular
individual is slow to get started dating. Is he shy and bashful?
Then maybe he needs encouragement in getting social experience;
maybe he or she needs to be drawn into a group activity as a
starter.
Is the person an outsider because of interests and dreams that are
not shared by his contemporaries? Then he needs further to develop
his unique personality, confident that congenial companions will be
available beyond high school or even college.
Some young people have been so hurt in the process of growing up
that they may need special help to straighten out. They must be made
to realize that they have within them the potentialities of becoming
wholesome, happy persons. Special counsellors, psychological
services, and guidance facilities, can help this kind of unhappy
young person; and those who are concerned with his happiness should
be carefully guide him in that direction.
Too Ready to Date?
Frequently girls are ready for dates long before others of their age
and grade are. These are the girls who grow up fast, and before
they’re out of grade school are taller or more physically mature
than others in their class. They become interested in boys at a time
when fellows their own age are not even aware that girls exist, in a
special personal sense.
Because the early developing girl is tall for her age, it is hard
for her to find a boy taller than she is and still within the range
of those considered datable by her family. Parents often object to a
girl’s dating older boys, for they know that although she looks
grown-up, she actually is too inexperienced to handle the
complicated situations that might arise with an older fellow. Yet
the boys of her own age are still “little guys” both literally and
socially. So the early maturing girl is expected to “freeze” where
she is until others of her age catch up with her.
The fact is that at junior high school age, girls are taller than
the majority of boys. Lamentably, at dancing classes , group dates,
or boy-girl parties, the tall girl who is big for her age is avoided
by shorter fellows. So she, more ready to date than most, is more
frequently delayed in the very social experiences, such as dancing
lesions, that would ready her for dating when it finally does come.
This problem is accentuated in our country because exaggerated
emphasis is put on the importance of a boy being taller than a girl.
There are many particularly well-adjusted girls who weather this
handicap quite nicely. They become natural leaders to whom other
girls and boys turn. They take the initiative in social affairs and
help others have a good time. Buy the time pairing off begins, and
the fellows are beginning to shoot up in height, such early maturing
girls come into their own time developed some special skills in
group activities, such as running a party or playing a musical
instrument, or have found themselves a place in sports or drama.
HOW TO BE POPULAR
Most teen-agers would like to be popular if they could. But many are
baffled as to just what it takes to achieve popularity, or even to
get a date. Knowing that is generally considered attractive to the
opposite sex helps. Also understanding what boys expect of girls and
what girls expect of boys in a given community is especially
important.
In general young people like members of the other sex who are (1)
careful of their personal appearance; (2) courteous and thoughtful;
and (3) fun to be with.
A girl doesn’t have to be a beauty to get a date. She just has to
dress appropriately, be neat and well groomed, and then try to
forget her appearance. The same goes for a boy. If he’s clean and
neat (hair combed, fresh shirt, nails clean) he’s acceptable, and
probably attractive to someone.
Courtesy is mentioned frequently by both boys and girls as a
desirable quality in a date. Actually, being courteous is just being
thoughtful of others; it’s easy to get the habit. Sometimes a young
person grows up in a family that is careless or casual about little
courtesies, and he has to learn not to speak when someone else is
talking, not to talk with a mouth full of food. If you keep your
voice low and pleasant, say “Thank you” and “Excuse me” at
appropriate times, it makes a pleasant impression on new and old
friends. Some schools have special courses in social arts where
students get opportunities for practicing those graces that make
getting along with others easy. Books, articles, and lectures also
help to give boys and girls an idea of what kind of behaviour is
expected of them when they begin to have dates.
When you say “Ted is such fun to be with!” do you know why? Do you
realize it takes practice to become a “fun person”? It involves some
rather complicated skills—knowing how to carry on a conversation,
knowing how to enter a group pleasantly, being able to accept and
refuse invitations graciously, assuming responsibility for one’s
part in the group activity, and generally making others glad that
you’re there. Most boys and girls are awkward in group situations at
first. But as they gain experience, first in simple situations with
.^others who know and like them, they get over being self-conscious.
Soon they become so poised that they feel at home in most social
situations. But this takes time and experience —lots of it.
It is no accident that boys and girls who have belonged to clubs and
organizations get along more easily with people than do those who
have grown up somewhat isolated. Being a member of a group not only
gives you experience in planning and making decisions with others,
in carrying responsibility for your part in a project, but it also
introduces you to a variety of human situations and human beings.
You begin to learn how the next guy “ticks.”
If you want to be more acceptable to the other sex, then you ought
to get into group activities with other young people of both sexes.
Mingling with a mixed group will ready you for dating and develop
those skills which will help you carry off a date successfully.
THE DATE FOR YOU
It’s common knowledge that certain teen-age girls swoon over movie
and TV stars. There was Elvis Presley, for instance, and before him
Frank Sinatra, and long before his time Rudolph Valentino. But few
girls actually ever expect to date such an idol. In fact, one of the
functions of the celebrity is to serve as a focus for early
infatuation without ever requiring the girl to do anything about it.
It’s just as common for a fellow to daydream about a movie queen—and
a good safe practice, because he will never be expected to court and
win her.
Occasionally, however, a young person goes overboard in a crush on
some unattainable person, so that he doesn’t make progress with
those who are realistically available to him. It’s not just die
movie or TV personality who’s unattainable. Many a young girl swoons
over the football captain, the president of the senior class, or the
most popular boy in the school, with whom she hasn’t the ghost of a
chance. Indeed, she wouldn’t even know what to do on such a
spectacular date if she had it. Similarly, an inexperienced boy will
sometimes moon over a popular teacher, or the school queen—as
unattainable for him as Miss Universe.
As long as these super romantic crushes prevail, the in experienced
boy or girl will probably make little progress in getting a date
with anyone; for no real and available person can rival the
“dream’s” charms and popularity.
Realistically, the beginning dater starts with someone who is not
much more socially active than he is. The boy who has never dated
courts rejection or failure by asking out the most popular girl in
the class two years ahead of him. But he may make a good start with
a friendly not-too-experienced girl a year or two younger than he
is. A girl who wants to begin dating should look about for some
pleasant, shy, interested fellow in her own grade (or a class or so
beyond) rather than wistfully pine for an older, inaccessible man
about town.
PROVE IT TO YOUR PARENTS
Many a girl comes home with stars in her eyes at having been asked
out by a boy, only to find her parents objecting on the grounds that
she is still too young to date. And often a boy wants to take a girl
out, but his mother or father insists that he give his full
attention to his studies, saying, “There’s plenty of time later for
playing around with girls.”
How can parents be convinced that you are ready for dates? This is a
question that is asked by young people all over the country.
Sometimes, of course, the parents are right, and their son or
daughter is too immature to date. Actually it is up to you to prove
that you’re ready to go out by proving that you’re grown-up. How do
you do that? By taking real responsibility around the house; by
helping with chores such as car-washing, cleaning, lawn-mowing; by
showing an understanding and concern for your family’s problems and
budget; by doing your school job well. Maybe you’ll also have to
help your parents understand current dating habits in your
community, so that they develop confidence in the social situations
open to teen-agers. It helps to encourage mothers and fathers to get
out to parents’ meetings, to attend neighbourhood affairs, and to
keep up to date on school and social events. This last is your job.
Do you let your folks in on your activities?
WHY NOT TALK ABOUT IT?
Many adults, and some young people too, frequently ask if reading
books on dating and talking about dating problems actually help.
There’s no question about it—the more you learn about dating, the
better. The fear that such guidance will “give young people ideas
beyond their years” is groundless. Actually, if they did not have
the ideas, they wouldn’t find such reading of interest. Getting
perspective on how other people feel, finding out what is generally
expected of you on a date, becoming aware of the many ways you can
approach the problem of getting along with others, and coming to
terms with your unique answer to life’s questions about men and
women—all are facilitated by good reading and good discussions of
dating, love, and marriage.
Furthermore, books about dating usually point up the fact that all
the haunting questions, confusions, and problems that so baffle and
hurt are common to most young people. It’s encouraging to know that
one is not alone—that others are shy, others are clumsy. Reading
from a printed page about a poignant experience that you thought was
yours alone lessens your sense of loneliness and isolation, makes
you feel close to others again.
Of course, there is literature designed to be sexually stimulating
rather than thought-provoking. Some jokes and talk are sexy and
cheap too. But it’s easy to differentiate. That discussion is
worth-while if it aims at “growing you up” into the kind of person
you want to become. You’ll usually find it with other like-minded
people, under a wise leader, in school, church group, or informal
club, or even among close friends who bring out the best in each
other.
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