Sibling Rivalry: The Magic Trick That Stops It Instantly
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It's a familiar scene: Kids screaming at each other,complaining that, "He got a bigger piece of pie," or "Shegot to stay up an hour later last night."
When sibling rivalry rears its ugly head, what do you do?
Try to reason with the kids? Scream, threaten or punishthem? Ignore it and run for cover?
None of these methods is very effective for very long.
But I've discovered a tactic that works every time. Itreally is guaranteed to end sibling battles, almostinstantaneously. The only downside is it requires a bit ofpatience on your part.
The trick is understanding that it doesn't matter what thekids are arguing about, the real battle is for yourattention.
Really. They could be screaming at the top of their lungsover who gets to play with a certain toy. They could bered-faced and foaming at the mouth over who got to sit inthe favorite chair. It doesn't matter what they're arguingabout. What they're really saying is, "Mom, I want more ofyour attention. I want to know you love me."
Understand this, and you're 80 percent of the way toresolving all sibling battles.
So here's how to resolve the battles: Try to catch thembefore the argument escalates to the point where one or bothkids need to be reprimanded.
If you can't do that, wait for the next time. There alwaysis a next time, isn't there?
Next, make it clear that you aren't taking sides.
Now try to discern which child is feeling the need forattention most. It will typically be the child who startedit, though that's not always easy to figure out.
Turn to that child first and say, "Look, I can see you'reupset. I'm wondering if maybe you need some more attentionfrom me. Can I give you a hug?" (Or rub your back or throwthe football around or whatever you do when you give yourkids attention.)
When that child is calm, repeat with the other child(ren).
Your goal is to let your kids know that:
1) You understand they need your attention; and
2) You accept them; and
3) You aren't going to judge them for needing or wantingyour love.
Depending on how old the kids are and how long the rivalryhas lasted, you may hear a little sarcasm. But I promiseyou, there's a soft vulnerability underneath those barbs. Ifyou can ignore the sarcasm and keep offering more attention,you'll be amazed how quickly the arguments disappear.
Giving them attention doesn't mean you have to be at theirbeck and call for the rest of the day. It may mean you givethem hugs and kisses. It may mean sitting and talking withthem. Or it may just mean sitting quietly and playing agame of their choice for a few minutes.
When They Both Want Your Attention at Once
It helps if you warn them that you'll have to take turnsgiving each child individual attention. I handle this in areally straightforward way.
I just say something like, "Listen, I can see you both wantmy attention now. And honestly, you both deserve it.(That's the best line I've come up with yet!)
I really want to give both of you the attention you deserve,but I'm only human. So how about if I sit over here andtalk with you first, then I'll play a game with you...and soon."
This also works really well when there's a new baby in thehouse. Obviously, if you're in the middle of feeding,changing or bathing the baby, you can't give the olderone(s) the attention they want.
So just say as sympathetically as possible, "You know what?I bet you want a hug right now, don't you?" Or, "Could youuse some mommy time?" Or, "Does it seem to you like thebaby is getting all my attention?"
Then say, "You deserve my attention, too. And I want togive it to you. Right now, I can't because I have to feedthe baby. But as soon as I'm finished I'm going to...[giveyou a great big hug, play Candy Land with you, etc.]
Is This Really Guaranteed to Work?
Yes, but, of course, you have to put it into practice.
I am the first to admit that when I'm tired, hungry, crankyor PMSish (or worse, postpartumish!), I just can't botherwith this trick. I mean, geez, even Barney would get PMS ifhe were a woman (and not a make-believe character)! Sodon't expect the battles to stop instantaneously and neverarise again.
Plus, when the kids are tired and cranky, it doesn't matterhow much attention you give them, they're not going torespond to anything but food and sleep. Understand that,too.
The reason this trick is guaranteed to work because it'sbased on understanding that the root of all sibling rivalryis a battle for your attention. Even if you do nothingother than understand that, and accept that all kids needattention (probably more than you have to give), you're 80%of the way there.
Stephanie Gallagher is the author of several parentingbooks and creator of "Mommy Merry Go Round," thehilarious new online movie that's taking the motherhoodcommunity by storm! See it today athttp://www.mommymerrygoround.com
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