Saying No To Our Children
|
Saying no to our children is not always easy or pleasant. Sometimes it is very hard work and we don't want to face the struggle. Most of us at some time will find ourselves saying yes when we know we should have said no. Some people almost never say no. The funny thing is though, the more I am prepared to say no, and mean it, and enforce it, the less I have to say it. Children get the message. We have to say no to our diabetic children often enough, for health reasons, that you would think we would be better at it for other things. I know sometimes I feel a little guilty saying no to something after a series of diabetes related no's. But I still have to say no anyway. Parents who have to say no for most of the day will probably admit that they are not enforcing it. They give in too soon. When you do this you are sending mixed messages to your children about what they are and are not allowed to do. There are many reasons why we find it difficult to say no. However, there are some common patterns that we all display at some time or another. These are some common reasons, I know I need to raise my own hand at a couple of these.
* We want to protect or child from the "pain" or discomfort of disappointment.
* We want to protect ourselves from facing his feelings of anger or disappointment.
* We want to avoid the responsibilities of making a decision about an issue.
* We want to keep the peace and fear the row, or other consequences that may follow.
* We need our child's approval, want to be his friend, and fear his rejection.
* We want to keep the times we are with our child free from conflict.
We can get the necessary strength, confidence and authority to say no when it matters by understanding these reasons more fully.
Protecting Your Child from the Pain of Disappointment. Of course it hurts to see our children suffer, but mild discomfort and disappointment are a part of life. Our children will be better equipped to cope with the realities of life if they experience and learn to manage disappointment. This doesn't mean we should go out of our way to expose them to pain. It does mean that being the cause of their disappointment is not something we should feel guilty about. Being used to accepting no, and realizing that they can survive the disappointment, makes them stronger in the face of adversity and gives them a better idea of which "wants" are really important to them. Going without once in a while helps to develop a sense of priorities and character.
Protecting Ourselves from our Child's Feelings of Anger or Disappointment. We sometimes avoid saying no to protect ourselves from having to respond to our children's negative reaction. As parents, we are used to "making them feel better"; but how can we do this without giving in?We can't. We also can't avoid their negative reaction. We have to "stand in" and tough it out. Sometimes saying nothing is best for the situation
Avoiding the Responsibility of Making a Decision About an Issue. Sometimes we avoid saying no because it involves us in making a decision about rights and wrongs of an issue and taking responsibility for that decision afterward. It is easier to say yes, particularly if we don't find it easy to make decisions. Saying no puts the burden on us to have a reason for the refusal. If we cannot think of two good reasons for our decision then maybe we should re-think our position. We don't always have to supply our reasons to our children. When we say yes they don't ask why, they just accept the answer because it was what they wanted to hear. However, as parents it won't kill us to check our reasoning from time to time.
Fearful of the Row, or Other Consequences, That May Follow. If you find yourself often avoiding saying no because you are frightened of the power battle or retaliations that will follow, you need to ask yourself two questions.
* Have I got myself into a power-contest with my child, and if so, why?
* Am I letting myself be blackmailed by their threatened emotional reaction?
If the answer to either of these questions is yes, then you have two more questions to answer.
* Who is in charge?
* Who should be in charge?
Needing Approval, and fearing Rejection. Some parents may find it hard to say no because they are afraid their children won't like them if they don't give them what they want. They need to be liked and need to feel that their child is their friend. If you are looking for approval and friendship from your child, especially if you need it for your own self-esteem, then you are putting a huge burden on your child that they should not be asked to carry. We as parents need to be the constant factor in our children's lives. We need to be their rock of guidance and security.
Wanting to Keep the Times You Are Together Free from Conflict. It is very hard for a parent who does not spend much time, for whatever reason, with their child to start being tough and causing upset. It is only natural that you want to keep those precious moments free from conflict. Non custodial parents sometimes spoil their children when it's their weekend "on". Working parents who arrive home near bedtime may find it hard to resist the pleas for more time and attention. Our children have a way of knowing the weak spot, and will exploit it for all it's worth. To them it's worth a lot. But giving in or being soft is not in their best interest.
We know that it can be a hard world out there sometimes. At some point in their lives our children are going to have to face it on their own. We meet our responsibilities as parents by properly equipping them to successfully meet and overcome the obstacles they will surely face. Don't send your precious child out there unprepared.
About the Author
Russell Turner, USA
info@mychildhasdiabetes.com
http://www.mychildhasdiabetes.com
Russell Turner is the father of a 10 year old diabetic daughter. After she was diagnosed he soon discovered he could find all sorts of medical information on the internet. What he couldn't find was how to prepare his child and family for living with this disease. He started his own website for parents of newly diagnosed diabetic children http://www.mychildhasdiabetes.com
|
|
|
How To Teach Your Children Love
I was in the life insurance sales industry for over 8 years. One of best teaching that I have learned from the industry and found in all top sales p...(related: Parenting)
Watering Your Young Child?s Mind
Mary, Mary, quite contrary,How does your garden grow?With silver bells and cockle shellsAnd pretty maids all in a row.It's an everyday nursery rhyme, it's simple to sing with your small child, and apparently this nursery rhyme about a little child watering her garden is watering your little child's mind!Early childhood educators have identified pre-reading skills that are necessary for the learning of readi...(related: Parenting)
Top 50 Father Quotations
How To Make Kids More Likeable?
Nothing touches the heartstrings of a parent more than the plaintive cry "nobody likes me" or "I don't have any friends." We wish there were something we could do to insure our child will be, if not the most popular, at least included in the games on the playground. Actually, there is something we can do to increase their acceptance by the group and become more approachable to others.New research shows that all likeable children behave in certain ways. These skills are not in-born but can be taught by parents, teachers and other caring adults. There is a language of likeability that some children cannot pick up by osmosis, but must learn. Not only does fitting in and having friends feel good, it has numerous other ad...(related: Parenting)
What Do You Teach Your Children About Money?
Whether we realize it or not we teach our children about money every day. Sometimes we teach with words and sometimes with actions. I'm sure at one time or another the following scenario as happened to you or something close to it: "Mom, can we go buy some toys?" You say, "We don't have the money for that right now." Your children reply, "Just go to the ATM and get the money." You then make a comment to the effect, "There has to be money in my account in order to get money from the ATM." I still remember the first time I had that conversation and my children's j...(related: Parenting)
Muscle Pain And Children Do Not Mix
I am in pain. I've been in pain all day. Last night, I was in "searing pain", which is pain multiplied by pain, divided by relief, then multiplied by pain to the tenth power. In case you are not a math whiz, that equals pain with 33 zeros after it. Two days ago, I was in pain (just regular pain, no zeros). In fact, I was in pain all week.Welcome to my humor column.Actually, pain is not really all that funny ... unless it happens to somebody else. Oh, come ...(related: Parenting)
Three Tips To Get Children With Sleeping Problems Asleep
According to the American Sleep Association 70% of all babies and infants at one time or another suffer from sleeping difficulties. So if bed time is a difficult time for you and your baby you are in good company. Rest assured that there is probably nothing wrong but of course when you are in doubt seek professional care. Jodi Mindell, a researcher and sleep expert at the Institute, has 3 tips for worried parents.
Three Sure-fire Ways To Teach Your Child About Safety
Levels of SafetyBy teaching our children there are different levels of safety and those levels depend on the situation they are in and the decisions they make in those situations, we can better train them to use their instincts, intuition, and even fear as safety tools. This is an easy ...(related: Parenting)
Defrazzle With Hug Therapy
"Hugging is healthy: it helps the body's immunity system, it keeps you healthier, it cures depression, it reduces stress, it induces sleep, it's invigorating, it's rejuvenating, it has no unpleasant side effects, and hugging is nothing less than a miracle drug"UnknownSometimes life gets so hectic that our nerves are frazzled, our tempers are...(related: Parenting)
Childhood Friendships
Childhood friendships are as special as they are a necessary part of growing up. While some of our children will maintain these friendships into adulthood, many will not. Kids move away or they find other friends with mor...(related: Parenting)
site-map - Copyright © 2006 | Contact Webmaster | All Rights Reserved. | Parenting