Over-indulgence And Over-attentiveness - Two Dangers Parents Must Avoid!
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We're all familiar with the over-indulgent parent. Butthere's another parenting practice that can be equallyharmful: over-attentiveness.
It's possible to be one or the other - or in some cases,both!
Let's look first of all at the differences.
Over-Indulgence
I'm sure you've come across the stereotype: Parents whoconstantly ply their kids with material goods and treats ofevery kind, and who will go to any length to ensure theirlittle darlings want for nothing, but have the biggest andbest of everything.
This behaviour is always prompted by a certain lack or needwithin the parents. They often dote on their kids, but what such parents are really doing is attempting to work out their own inadequacies.
Perhaps they lacked attention when they were kids - and ithurt. Maybe they had to go without things - and it washumiliating. Now they make up for it by ensuring that THEIRkids have everything!
Or it could be that they lack confidence in their parentingabilities, and have no real interest in kids.
They are unsure how to relate to children, yet have a need(or at least a desire) to be liked, appreciated, or accepted- and they think over-indulging their kid's every whim isthe way to do it.
This can have disastrous consequences for the child'sdevelopment.
For a start, such children become self-centred, spoiled, andunhealthy. Often they become disrespectful, since childrenare adept at spotting parental weaknesses, which they sooncome to despise.
Later in life these over-indulged kids tend to developfurther problems, such as eating disorders, weight-relatedhealth issues, addictions, and they often lack patience andtolerance when they can't instantly get their own way.
Over-Attentiveness
On the other hand there can be parents who, while not over-indulging their kids, try to supervise every aspect of theirlives.
They watch them at play, they stand over them doinghomework, and if there's the slightest hint of a problem atschool - either with a friend or a teacher - they're downthere creating a scene!
This behaviour, too, is prompted by a need within theparent, usually a deep-seated fear or anxiety about thenormal risks in everyday life, which they feel they mustprotect their children from.
The effects of over-attentiveness can be more subtle - butequally harmful.
Because such children have not been allowed to experimentwith life - to climb trees and cut their knees, to havealtercations with others and realise their own way is notthe only, or even the best, way - they tendto develop fearand timidity whenever their mentor is not there sticking upfor them.
They have been deprived of a testing-ground in which todevelop their strengths and become aware of theirshortcomings. This often breeds embarrassment as well asresentment, and the poor parents are baffled! They've onlybeen doing their duty, after all!
There can be an even more serious consequence when the childbecomes an adult: Decision-making becomes a problem.
Taking decisions involves the weighing up of risks, aconsideration of the pros and cons in a situation. If thisskill has not been developed in childhood - if the child hasbeen deprived of the opportunity - then he will be anindecisive adult who lacks the confidence to be effective.
The Solution?
The solution for overindulgent and over-attentive parents isone I keep stressing in my writing: They need to developconfidence in themselves.
But they needn't despair, as opportunities for development abound.
If you feel any of this applies to you, check out theseopportunities. Visit your local college, bookshop orlibrary, go online - see what's on offer. You'll be spoiled forchoice.
But take action. Just do it!
You can begin to understand your own needs in a relativelyshort time, and with insight into your own psychological andemotional make-up, you will begin to look at your kids in adifferent light.
You will begin to moderate the amount of indulgence, becausethe need to over-compensate will no longer be there.
If you recognise your own fears and anxieties, you'll beless likely to pass them on to your kids by being over-attentive.
Supervise your children and help them steer clear ofdanger, yes - but let them manage their own conflicts. You can be there on the sidelines with words of support, advice andencouragement - but them experience the rough and tumble oflife for themselves.
Knowing you're giving your child a solid preparation for thefuture, you'll feel satisfaction in a job well done.
Happy parenting!
Why do some parents and children succeed, while othersfail?Frank McGinty is an internationally published author andteacher. If you want to develop your parentingskills and encourage your kids to be all they can be, visit his web pages, http://www.frank-mcginty.com/peace-formula.html AND http://www.frank-mcginty.com/for-parents.html
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