Dads, Handle Your Kids Mistakes
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One of the most difficult parts of being a fatheris learning to accept your children's mistakes. Itcertainly can be easy to be loving, supportive,and helpful when your children are mistake-free,but most fathers who are paying attention don'tfind too many mistake-free periods of their
children's lives.
Let's be clear about our kids and their mistakes.There aren't too many kids who get up in themorning, rub their hands together and say," Iwonder how I can screw up today and really bothermy dad!" Kids don't enjoy or want to make mistakes,it's just one of the ways that they learn aboutthe world.
Kids usually try to do their best; but they'redoing their best considering the resources theyhave at the time. Sometimes they're tired,sometimes they're easily distracted, and sometimesthey're strong-willed, but they generally do thebest they can. It's quite easy for us to unfairlyjudge them according to their best efforts in thepast.
When our kids make mistakes, we have choices tomake. Fathers can either make choices that help tocreate kids who are defensive and who lie to them?or they can make choices that help to create kidswho can learn from their mistakes and improve uponthem.
Kids who fear punishment or the loss of love inresponse to their mistakes learn to hide theirmistakes. These children live in two differentplaces--one place where they have the love andsupport of their father (parents), and anotherwhere they feel that if their mistakes werediscovered, they would be undeserving of thatlove. It's hard for these kids to fully accepttheir parents' love and support even when it isexpressed. It's also difficult for these kids toset high standards for themselves, because theytend to be fearful of failing.
These are some ideas for fathers who are committedto helping create kids who can learn from theirmistakes, and who are not afraid of making a few:
Absolutely accept the notion that your kids aredoing their best, and that they'll learn fasterabout their mistakes if they are in an environmentthat accepts mistakes.
Understand that your difficulty with your kids'mistakes is in fact a reflection of yourdifficulty dealing with your own mistakes; beaware of this and deal with your own issues first.
Know the shaming messages that we can all giveso easily to our kids--messages that can do a lotof damage to them and help them to feel unworthy.Here's a few of them:
- How could you have done that?
- You don't listen to me!
- You can do better than that!
- What's the matter with you?
Keep providing your kids with learningexperiences, but at the same time structure theirenvironment so they can't make too many mistakes(having expensive glassware around the house wherechildren might break it is not their fault).
Provide a great model for your children by theway you react to making mistakes: do you getdefensive and stretch the truth, or do you own themistake and learn something from it? Create aculture that's based on learning from mistakes.
We only have one chance to show our kids thepatience and discipline necessary to allow them tolearn from the mistakes that we've all made. Youropportunity to improve just started now; give yourkids the room that they need and deserve.
Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, coaches busy parents byphone to balance their life and improve their familyrelationships. For a FREE twenty minute sample session by phone; ebooks, courses, articles, and a FREE newsletter, go to http://www.markbrandenburg.com. or email him at mark@markbrandenburg.com.
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